I haven't posted in a while because I often start writing a post and then end up deleting it for a variety of different reasons. I really need to get into the habit of telling myself 'This is your blog and you can write what you want' but I can't shake the feeling that too many non-program related posts in a row will put people off. Good thing this one is kinda program related.
I've always suffered from issues with self confidence. It's a problem that's plagued me all of my life. Even things I know in my heart I could be good at I eventually beat myself down with negativity that I wholeheartedly believe I'm worthless.
Disney has been no different.
I've managed to remain mostly balanced during the process. Any sign of over confidence or hope I would pass off as preparedness and and sign of negativity as keeping myself from being cocky.
Even with all the evidence in my favor I can't help but feel like maybe there's something about me that could keep me from being accepted this time around. Maybe I'll be too loud or too quiet. Maybe I'll cut someone off without realizing or maybe I'll be cut off and become awkward. Maybe my hair is too short or my teeth aren't white enough. A billion and one 'what ifs' float through my head every time I think about the interview.
And sometimes there are people who can see through my self deprecating humor to the horrible truth lurking behind it. I'm genuinely not confident in my ability to land this position.
I've only had two job interviews in my life and they both were unsuccessful. The job I have now, and have had for the last five years, I only got because I was 16 and would work for pittance. I've never got a job based on my own experience, my own personality, my own merit. So I'm terrified. If Subway wouldn't hire me why do you think Disney would?
Today I made one such joke about having a shot in comparison to someone else and one of my friends saw straight through it. A few minutes later she sent me this encouraging checklist:
And it felt good to be reminded.
In all aspects of life we remember the bad things. The bad parts of a conversation, our lives, ourselves. And I expect that when I come out of that interview in just over a month's time the bad things are all I will focus on. The times I could have said something different, the times I stumbled over my words.
It feels good to take a step back sometimes. To take a look at events or yourself from someone else's eyes. The people around you can often see things that you don't. And they may remember the pleasant things that you weren't focusing on.
I'm in no way cured of my low self esteem affliction but at least for one night I can entertain the idea that I might do something right for a change.
- Lily
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